The Layers I Don't Want to Peel Back Part 1


One of the many traits I share — or rather shared — with my late father is that of procrastination. It’s a nasty habit with devastating effects. Our hows were vastly different: He drank and read. I eat and play video games. He folded in on himself, staying away from friends for days. Staying away from me for days. I blossom out. Facebook. Friends. The kids.

 

The result is the same: Squandered potential. Avoidance of anything requiring sustained mental, emotional or physical effort. A clock that ticks at the same rate for us all.

 

But I avoid the whys even though I know my hows and my consequences. I wonder if he even considered even those latter two components, although I imagine he probably did on some level. Why else would he have gone back to college at 44? Why else would he keep drinking the way that he did?

 

There I go again. Avoiding the whys. Avoiding the layer upon layer of wounds begging to be discovered and healed before I rot away for good. It’s not just that I am a slave to instant gratification. It’s not just that I get caught up in the what-ifs and the if onlys. I’m worried about the costs of effort. The potential lack of payout, whatever that means. The possibility that I am never going to be as good at writing, at creating, as I want to be. The sacrifices that have to be made now that might not ever bear fruit later.

 

There. I said it. And maybe there’s more. At the center, though, there is fear.

 

Comments


  1. I hear ya and I relate...sometimes I think we also are afraid of accomplishment and success, because everyone will expect more of us.

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